Last week, we blogged about the first three tips to taking care of your relationship before and after the big “I do.” This week we want to finish up that post with thoughts 3-6. Enjoy.
Be tolerant
One thing that is so great to do is to turn over and flip the things you don’t like. If you hate the fact that he shouts at the TV, the flip side is that he is a passionate person about you and the kids. Try and find the upside, or go back and think about all the positives you saw in him.
Everybody has their stuff and you have yours, too. If you only focus on the bad things, you really are going to be unhappy. You have to understand that you are not going to change anybody. As long as no one is devaluing you or treating you badly, then you have to be tolerant.
And if they are devaluing you, you need to change your attitude and not stand for it. If it is demeaning, then you have to say, “I know what you want, but the way you are asking me or demanding it of me is not something I am going to be able to respond to.” You have to tolerate what is not intolerable, but you didn’t marry the person to change them.
4. It takes time
Women sometimes feel that it’s unromantic if you have to make time for sex. But it’s important. You still have to schedule time for it. Cuddling is not enough, even if you have a good feeling in your relationship.
And in this day and age, it’s important to call a time-out on technology. You need to have periods at night where it’s just off-limits. Even if your boss has to track you down, you need to let it go and just focus on your partner.
So many of the couples I see have intrusions in their relationships. It’s typically kids and ill parents, but now it’s mostly technology. People develop online relationships with work mates or friends, but so many people are making choices to IM and are on BlackBerry, which is time they could be using to connect with their partners. We have the capacity to connect with hundreds of people at a moment’s notice, but what does that do to a primary relationship? You have to say there is a BlackBerry-free zone or time, or go out for the night and leave the phones at home.
We have become very addicted to this. And if you do send a BlackBerry message, you expect one right back. And then if you don’t get it, you think you are being dissed.
We also do have to make time for sex. With people commuting and working so hard and being so stressed, it’s hard to keep that high up there on the list. But it is essential to be sexual, and it just reminds you of another connection you have to that person that no other person has, that is uniquely yours. You don’t want it to go by the wayside. You determine aspects of each other during sexual intimacy that you don’t see in other ways.
Sometimes inertia takes over but what you want to do is keep working at it and trying to be sensuous. Even if you don’t have sex, keep touching, keep being playful and remind each other what it’s like to be aroused. And take off those flannel pajamas — it’s very important to be skin to skin. There doesn’t have to be mad sexual passion all the time, there just has to be connection.
5. Continue the courtship
You need to do the things that you loved when you first met: go to galleries, take long walks. It’s the little things, the token gestures, the ways that you show them that you know them THAT well.
And you have to have nice dates — it cannot just be Olive Garden and a movie.
Think about what made it unique when you were first together. There was a sexual connection; you had pet names, inside jokes. One of the things about being a couple is that you share a history, so you can say, remember this song or when we danced. You want to create new memories and also go back to the old ones, the gentle connection that you had. Remember that you really ARE invested in each other — you have a commitment. Those are things that help couples stay connected.
6. Steer clear
Realize that the louder you get doesn’t mean that you’ll be listened to more. Pay attention to what doesn’t work with your partner and don’t repeat those things.
Money matters frequently blow up for people — it’s important to think about these things and work them out.
Some couples pride themselves on never arguing, but that is not healthy. Everyone has issues and if you are not arguing, you are probably not addressing them.
Don’t expect him to read your mind. Give him hints. There is nothing wrong with that. Tell him what you want when you want it. If you want sappy on Valentine’s Day… if you want a party for your birthday… earrings for Christmas. You have to tell him so that you get what you want.
Make sure you don’t avoid the difficult stuff — you have to find a way to talk about everything. Don’t put the other person down, don’t belittle them. You have to talk about the big things … the kids’ school, or how much money to spend on a vacation, or who will take care of your aging mother, or who is paying bills for a drug-addicted cousin; you have to talk about them. If you don’t, these issues just get bigger and bigger, so you must find ways to talk about difficult topics.
Also, don’t blame, don’t punish, don’t use past mistakes to harp on your partner.
And the biggest mistake is in not sharing your deepest self. This is why people have office romances. They think the other person understands them. But it’s really you shutting down and not sharing inner thoughts and feelings with the person you have committed to share your life with. Chances are you might be having a bad patch, and you want to get back into it.
Our blog, “love is…”, caters to our followers who are married, who are getting married, and those who want to get married. A large part of marriage is knowing how to care for the relationship you are in. You need to nourish your relationship before and after the big “I do“.
